Since scientific evidence unanimously shows that LIFE begins at CONCEPTION, Jeannette's sweet testimony of Life and Love shows how a "blighted ovum" really is A BABY and how a mama can and should grieve for and celebrate the LIFE that was! I pray it binds up the wounds of those who have been told "there is no baby" and might have felt odd to be grieving over "something that never was". It's not "odd". It's exactly what a MOTHER should do...grieve the loss and celebrate the life! Please welcome Jeannette!
Wilson Family 2010
I am feeling joyous this morning.
The official diagnosis of our pregnancy was a 'blighted ovum' which meant the fertilized egg, our baby, implanted, the sac and placenta formed and grew, but the baby stopped developing at some point. The hardest part about validating our loss on the u/s Tuesday morning was that the sac was empty. I had prepared myself for no heartbeat, or even a still image with no moving hands or legs, but I was shocked and devasted by emptiness. It was an image on the screen of how I instantly felt in my heart.
I then was nearly ashamed of 'pretending' to be pregnant when our baby wasn't even there. (it still amazes me how fast the enemy can move in sometimes) I didn’t want to use ‘blighted ovum’ as if there was no baby. I didn't want anyone saying there was no baby. I couldn’t even wrap my own brain around being 10 weeks and acknowledging there was no baby. THERE WAS A BABY! That baby was loved, wanted, welcomed. Even if that baby only lived a few weeks, or days, or even hours or minutes. That was the baby God gave us.
I tried to go out to minister on the sidewalk Friday morning. There had been some bleeding since Wednesday, but I was not sure what to expect. So I went. My heart was not entirely in it. As I spoke on the mic I felt unusually sad, like a double layer of my usual sadness. I often say to the mothers that they go against the way God made them as women when they are willing to murder their little babies. God made women to protect, to nurture, to care for their babies. Even their very bodies are cooperating with God. The cervix is high and thick protecting their baby. The placenta is filtering for and nourishing their baby. And the sound of their heartbeat and the sound of their voice calms and soothes their baby. I was struck as I spoke, like a gentle voice reminding me. MY BODY was working at protecting, nourishing, welcoming our little baby, even though our baby was already gone, reabsorbed back into the very body that was designed to care for him or her from conception. It was what I was made for. This woman’s body, that belongs to Him in all its strength, was functioning as He created it to. This womb, of which we have made Him completely sovereign, was opened and closed at His discretion. And it WAS the safest place for our little one to be. I left the abortion clinic with a heavy heart and in stark contrast to what was going on inside that building, and in the hearts of those women.
I started contractions at 3:00 that afternoon. I timed them. They grew stronger and closer together as the afternoon progressed. After dinner I had to lay down and begin to breathe through them. I was in my bed and as the pain increased I began to feel angry. I fought the Lord having to go through painful contractions and would not even have a baby to show for it. I confessed this sin to the Lord and He forgave me. I began to pray in the Spirit as I breathed in and out and I began to feel such a peace that I could cry about it as I write even now. Immediately my heart changed to welcoming this labor. It made my baby real to me, and close, as any mama who has birthed a child can tell you it makes you feel. My body was strong and powerful. During these few sweet moments of prayer and peace I felt my water break and I knew it was close.
At 8:30 pm I delivered into my hand a sac. I was able to gently open it and see the small placenta attached to the side. And it was empty. But my heart was full! What an amazing miracle! What a gift to see where my baby lived and was cherished by my heart and even my very body. This body was mothering that baby, as hard as it could. And God allowed me to see the marvelous way He had designed it to do so. My body didn’t give up even after the Father had taken that baby home. Now that’s a strong maternal instinct! And I felt like a mother, 100%. And I loved my little baby completely. And I was no longer ashamed of the circumstances surrounding that baby’s death. Who cares if they called it a ‘blighted ovum.’ God had given me a gift and was so good to me in those hours.
I didn’t need to see my baby to know that he or she was real. I trusted God and He numbered our Little One’s days in a way that pleased Him. And I long to bring Him honor in all that I am and all that I do. So I thank God for this baby, and this safe delivery. He protected me from any hemorrhaging and for that I am thankful too. What an amazing memory I have to hold in my heart. He gave our family definitive closure.
I woke this morning with a joyful heart. We celebrated with a ‘fatted calf’ big breakfast as we thanked God for welcoming home that child made in His image. He knew I would want to have something to bury with the other two babies we’ve lost, and He gave me what I needed. I felt two things during these 10 weeks. First, that I was somehow not even pregnant (I took 6 tests, one even last week!), and secondly that this baby was a girl. If the first was true, we take the second as true too. So we have decided to name this littlest addition to our family Hannah Claire. Hannah means favor and Claire means bright. He has turned my sorrow into joy. Jesus Christ is the Resurrection and the Life.
“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.” Psalm 116:7
~ Jeannette Wilson