Carry Me - A Miscarriage Song

Having lost seven precious little ones at 6, 8, 9 and 16 weeks, I know well the pain of miscarriage; of holding a little one in your hand that is clearly a baby! How sweet this song is!

This song was written by Todd (the male lead singer) after the death of his newborn daughter who only lived a short time after birth. Such a beautiful testament of how God choses each child we conceive and gives them as a gift to us, no matter for how long or short a time we get with them.

Will I ever have JOY after so many miscarriages?

Q. After having lost so many children through miscarriage, can I ever have a joyful pregnancy again? I feel like I would just fret and worry and feel guilt all over again if I do get pregnant... what did I do wrong? Did I not drink enough water? Did I allow too much stress? What if it happens again?

You can see how much fear I hold. I know that God is not the author of fear. God doesn't want us to worry. Still moving beyond my human self, it's hard. Sometimes I think that maybe God is punishing me because I'm already not the greatest mom. He's telling me I can't handle more kids :( My heart tells me I'm silly but my head still is screaming. Do you have any advice as someone who has been there?? ~ E.O.

A. I soooooo know where you are coming from after losing many babies...the lack of joy, lack of excited anticipation of the birth, the many questions after the loss, the blaming, etc. Then, there’s the [self-imposed] guilt! It really is tough to regain that joy and excitement after many losses. With each new pregnancy, regardless of the number of losses, I can honestly say that when I would see those two lines on the test, I always became OVERJOYED! It was not until the next day that I started to entertain the “what-if” thoughts.

My first 4 miscarriages were chalked up to low progesterone, but only after I finally found a doctor who thought to test me for low progesterone after my 4th miscarriage. With that diagnosis in hand, I started supplementing with each pregnancy. It worked! I had two full term babies! I thought the answer had been found. However, I soon learned that this answer was only part of the puzzle that I needed medical professionals to piece together for me.

Less than a year after having Judah, I ended up losing a baby at 9 weeks. A few months later I conceived and then lost Levi Samuel at 16 weeks (his hand on the right). Levi’s dramatic loss prompted a doctor to test me further. My regular OB’s never saw the need to test me extensively. After all, I had so many children already and was taking the popularly-prescribed-progesterone when pregnant. The doctor who decided to run the barrage of much-needed tests was the on-call OB who saw me in the emergency room. He was the one who witnessed my hemorrhaging, gave me my blood transfusions and did my emergency D&C. Six weeks later I was diagnosed with a clotting/autoimmune disorder. The whole diagnosis made sense to multiple medical issues I had experienced. I was so relieved to find an answer, as well as a solution for subsequent pregnancies....daily aspirin therapy when not pregnant and heparin injections twice daily once I conceived!

Even though I had an apparent “solution”, I was told that there was still a high chance with my disorder of having preeclampsia (especially due to my chronic hypertension), fetal growth restriction, placental abruptions or even stillbirths. Heparin would help, but it was no “sure-thing”. I was told that I would always run a high risk of losing babies either through miscarriage or stillbirth but that the heparin would lower those risks. Despite the possible losses I (and Mark, of course) still choose to give God control of my womb!

After each of my losses, I remember trying to make myself live out what I believed in my heart and knew in my head. I have always known that the precious souls that had been called to Glory had a purpose for their life that they had lived out, according to God’s Will. After grieving for each loss, I would find that indescribable peace in what I knew to be true. It was experiencing that familiar peace that followed a loss that prompted me to make the conscious decision to find and experience JOY with each blessing God chose to send us, whether I was able to raise them here on earth or not. I knew that it truly was and would be a JOY to know that any baby I carried in the future was to be with me for a predetermined amount of time, whether it would be 18 years or 18 days. God had already set in place their plan, purpose and lifespan since before time began! My heart and mind would try their best to see my future children - miscarried, stillborn or full-term – as unique individuals who were living out the amount of time God gave them, and I would be BLESSED to have them with me for whatever amount of time He chose!

A few months after my diagnosis, we conceived Eva. I felt that usual joy when seeing those two lines, but the next day’s feelings of doubt, wonder and worry were not there! I felt true joy! I was at peace, knowing that I would take each day and treasure each moment with my baby. I did not place any of my trust on medication, though the medication was needed. I placed my trust in God. I would deal with whatever He sent my way, and until then I would be a JOYFUL MOTHER to this child being knit together inside of me.

When I was pregnant with Eva the Maternal and Fetal Medicine OB’s conducted ultrasounds every month and then every 2 weeks near the end of my pregnancy, since my disorder oftentimes affects the placenta from functioning correctly and can cause Fetal Growth Restriction to occur, especially from 34 weeks on. However, Eva had measured 1 – 2 weeks larger than she should have the entire pregnancy. I was told I would have a big girl! At 36 weeks Eva was not measuring 1-2 weeks ahead, but instead 1 week behind. She was not being nourished well by my placenta. They said that they would need to keep an eye on her even more closely. This Maternal/Fetal Medicine OB was worried about her lack of growth and my high blood pressure. The following week, I was off the charts with preeclampsia and I needed to be induced for both our sakes.

Long story short, Eva came sunny-side-up, with the extra long umbilical cord wrapped twice around her neck, after 21 hours of labor! She was beautiful! She was perfect! She was born! You know, God has a funny way of getting around to reminding us every now and again that HE is the one in charge. This happened to us when the placenta was examined and the midwife told us that her extra long cord had saved Eva’s life. The cord was not attached well to my placenta and I should have experienced another placental abruption (like with Levi)! Eva should have been stillborn! God spared her life in more ways than we had known. There I had been, thinking that I could breathe a sigh of relief when I reached that 20 week gestation mark, but here God was at her birth reminding me that HE had been in charge from the beginning of pregnancy to the end! He had brought her to term...not me or anything I did to sustain the pregnancy!

Isaiah 49:15-16 ~ This is at the cemetery, just feet from our buried babies that we lost. So comforting!

Through this whole journey of births and losses and babies who were born that should have died, God has taught me to TREASURE the time I have with EACH of my children. We – our children and ourselves - are vapors here on this earth. We are to live out today and not think or worry about what tomorrow may or may not bring. Tomorrow is not promised to babies within the womb; nor is tomorrow promised to the moms who carry them.

Our spiritual walk is a walk of faith...or at least it should be. We should rely on our Creator’s wisdom and treasure the blessings He sends us. We should be caretakers of those blessings for as long as He sees fit. Our walk should be about simple trust in God’s Providential wisdom. There truly can be JOY found in discovering that you are pregnant after many losses, because we KNOW what awaits our children should they be called Home. We know that God will see us through and give us the strength that’s needed for each morning. We must rely on that strength, because we truly CAN do “all things through CHRIST who strengthens me”!

Have joy that’s inexpressible!

”In this [salvation] you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9

Take every thought captive!

“We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the)obedience of Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5

Treasure your children for the time that they’ve been entrusted to your care!

”Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14

Rely on God’s strength!

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

Keep the faith! Trust in God!

"I will fulfill my vows to You, O God, and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for Your help. For you have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in Your presence, O God, in Your life-giving light." Psalm 56:12-13

Praying for you! Oh, and just in case you’re wondering...all of us moms are horribly imperfect! That’s why we NEED JESUS! He does not punish someone else (our babies) by taking their lives to punish us. You have done nothing for your children to have deserved death. ((HUGS))

One-year Anniversary of Levi Samuel Going Home to Jesus

One year ago today Levi Samuel went home at 16 weeks of age to Jesus! We miss him badly, but are grateful to know where he is and WHO is taking care of him until we can meet again soon one day!

More on Levi here, here and here!

Blood Clotting Test Results!

My tests came back for the Lupus Anticoagulant Syndrome (also called Hughes Syndrome) and it was positive. I am to start a low-dose aspirin therapy once a day and if I get pregnant again, I'm to go on something more, possibly Heparin or Loveknox injections (yuck). It feels good to know that I have definite results...and it totally lines up with all my post-partum hemorrhaging, pre-eclampsia, recurrent miscarriages, placental abruption and intra-uterine fetal growth retardation. It might also point to the reasons behind my high blood pressure (though that could be my family history, too). It's also good to know, as my daughters could also have this and could be tested before they get pregnant. Hopefully, then, they could be spared pregnancy losses and complications!! That would be wonderful! Just wanted to update y'all!

~ Lisa

Is Sustaining Life Against God's Plan?

Q. Is it okay to sustain life medically, or are we overstepping our bounds, just as we are overstepping our bounds to prevent the creation of life?

A. This is actually a great question that isn’t addressed often within quiverfull circles! For me, I have trouble keeping pregnancies due to low progesterone levels. This can be remedied by taking suppositories through week 14 of the pregnancy. With this, I have been able to bring two babies to term since discovering my imbalance. I also have lost 2 babies while on progesterone (clotting disorder that was just now discovered), so it is still ultimately in God's hands. I believe that if something is physically wrong with your body that rejects a pregnancy, it is okay to take medicine to sustain the life that God already placed within you. The same logic could be used with CPR…would you refuse to administer CPR because you might be "stepping on God’s toes"? No, you would most likely try to save that life that God had already created! If God chooses to take that life after you’ve administered CPR or after you took medicine or herbs to sustain a pregnancy, then that is His Will. You can then, rest assured, knowing that you did all that you could do for that life. There are then no regrets as to if anything could have been done differently. The problem was with my body not producing normal, God-created levels of a hormone. I don’t think this would be interfering with God any more than it would be if I took an aspirin for a headache or chemo for cancer. I was merely preparing my "nest" for a baby that God sent me!

In the same way, I see this particular discussion of preventing life in order to potentially save another life as a "gamble" based on man's limited scientific knowledge that prevents God from doing as He sees fit in CREATING a life (even if it's supposedly in order to save another). However good that knowledge might be, man is still not God and we discover new things every day about GOD'S world. Bottom line...I'd rather trust God than man's "ever-updating or changing" knowledge. God can still work many miracles in saving pregnant women who were "doomed" by medical professionals and urged to stop the creation of life within their wombs...there are many stories of that of which you probably are aware.

When I told Mark of this particular part of the discussion he said...."Life should be saved and treasured...honored and protected." This can be through CPR, chemo, transfusions, etc. God still has the final say in that, in my opinion. When you prevent life, you are playing God. You are deciding who is worth more...the mother or the potential baby that God might see fit to create. You are also deciding who knows more or knows best....the doctor and his/her stats or God and His life-creating hand. You are basing your decision on whether or not to let God be God or to listen to the fear and "wisdom" of man. When you are saving a life with medicine, CPR, transfusion, etc. you are attempting to sustain a life that has been deemed precious by God in the sole fact that He created it.

Okay...so to the Bible! When doing this "quick study" of this, the verse Deuteronomy 30:19 immediately came to mind. It says, "Now choose life so that you and your children may live..." This was the instructions from God in regards to keeping the Lord's commandments. The Israelites were given specific instructions as to what to do to follow the Lord (obey the law given them), which would result in life...physical and spiritual. And the result of disobedience was usually a cruel death...again, physically and spiritually. So, here we see that our actions *do* have the ability to sustain our lives AND the lives of our children. Yes, I know...this is in regards to obedience, but I believe that we are obeying by giving God the "keys" to my womb and the open door to create life as He so chooses. It's His domain to create life!

In Job 33:4 is says, "The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Since GOD (the Almighty) GIVES life. He has the final say in whether we live or die, whether we are saved using preventative or life-saving measures or not. The sustaining of life is God's realm, as it is His realm in creating life. the ALMIGHTY gives life. We can't force Him to give what is not ours to give.

Psalm 49:7 "No man can redeem the life of another or give to God a ransom for him..." So, we cannot redeem our lives without God's approval. And, yes, this is a PHYSICAL life, not a spiritual (although obviously God is the only redeemer of the spiritual life, as well), because In verse 15 it says, "But GOD will redeem my life from the grave..." So, here we see that God will redeem lives, as He pleases....not man. We are unable to redeem life on our own and without His hand on the matter (CPR, meds, transfusions...)!

In Luke 12:25 Jesus says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this little thing, why worry about the rest? O You of little faith!" This just sums it all up! We are unable to add to our life without GOD's consent and His hand in the matter. We assume the awesome responsibility of preventing life, making the costly and boastful assumption that God needs, requests or expects this help (in whatever circumstance), yet we can add no hours to our own lives. THAT is why I leave it ALL to Him!

Still studying on this particular part of this subject....but this is what I've found thus far!

~ Lisa

Verses of Comfort for Miscarriage and Stillbirth

Having been through 7 losses so far myself, I can relate to how you must be feeling right now. Our most recent loss was our 4 month old, Levi Samuel (his small hand pictured above). Read more here and here on our loss of him. I pray that these verses, sayings and poems minister to you as they did and still do to me. Feel free to comment with additional verses and I will add more to this collection.

Luke 24:5 going through my head right now... "Why do you seek the living among the dead?"

"And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world..." ~ 1 Corinthians 15:19

"Heaven is not here, it's There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for." —Elisabeth Elliot

"When you go through deep waters,I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..." Isaiah 43:2-3a

“But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought!" ~ Job 19:25-27

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Rejoice! You chose LIFE for your child...no matter how short it was...by loving that child from the time of conception to natural death, through stillbirth or miscarriage!

A BABY'S SECRET

I'm just a little person who didn't make it there;

I went straight to be with Jesus,but I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me, Mommy,I'm of all God's lambs most blessed;

I'd have loved to stay there with you,but the Shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live,waited years to enter in;

Struggled through a world of sorrow,and their lives were marred with sin.

So, sweet Mommy, don't you sorrow

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom

I went straight to Jesus' bosomfrom my mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave meIt was brief, but don't complain...

I have all of heaven's glory...suffered none of earthling's pain.

- by Sandi Johnson

God...who are you? Why my belief in who God is means I can still let God plan our family after a near-death experience

Join us in this great Bible study At The Well!

DISCUSSION QUESTION FOR TODAY...

Who is God to You?

Since my life-changing loss of my 7th miscarried child accompanied with my own near-death experience when losing our little 4 month old (preborn) Levi Samuel (more here) most might think that I would be angry at God for taking him away so soon or that I might even reconsider my beliefs that God should have complete control of my womb. It is BECAUSE of our belief of Who God is that Mark and I both hold fast to our beliefs about family planning. God has numbered each of our days (including mine and Levi's) and He would not create a child in my womb that was to cause my death without His foreknowledge and planning! God would not create a soul that we "should have prevented," just to take my life away to prove to the rest of the world that He needs our help in family planning. The fact is that He needs no one's assistance in the creation or prevention of life. The Creator can handle it all without our finite wisdom and help. He does not need our assistance in family planning in the least. Why do we worry so? Because...we are human.

My view of God is a view that He is all-powerful and all knowing. He is our protector; our shield. He is our comforter. He loves us with a love unspeakable. He holds us all in the palms of His hand. He numbers the very hairs on our heads, therefore He will not let anything happen to me in childbirth that He didn't have planned from before my own birth...He does not curse us (take away our lives needlessly) because we did not limit the blessings of children - His creations.

If I were or am to die in childbearing, that was planned from before the beginning of time! This life is but a vapor (James 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."). Because my life is a mist, I will choose to let God watch out for my well-being while He takes over the creations within me. After all, who could know what's better for me and my babes, but the all-knowing God; Creator of Heaven and earth!

I trust in God - and God alone. I trust NOT in my limited human understanding. I have a peace that goes beyond understanding, knowing that in following His plan for our family that He will continue to watch out for us, whether I am here to mother or not; whether He chooses to bless us with more children or not. I TRUST IN GOD'S Wisdom, as only HE can see down the road ahead! I rest in His hand! Humans cannot fathom His love. We should not attempt to second-guess His decisions (although it is okay to tell God about our human feelings...He wants to listen to His children).

Because I trust so in my Creator...and the Creator of my children, present and yet to come...I will keep my vow to let HIM plan our family! "I will fulfill my vows to You, O God, and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for Your help. For you have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in Your presence, O God, in Your life-giving light." Psalm 56:12-13

I will continue to worship Him and love Him forever! No matter what storm may come, I will praise Him!


"I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121



P.S. - What a great saying a commenter below shared..."If God's Will is perfect, why worry"! Yes, it might sound trivial to some, but when you REST in God's Will and try your best not to fight it, you find that peace that TRULY does pass all understanding. Yes, there will be a time of sadness, but JOY comes in the morning....whether that morning is tomorrow or a few months from now. It is still sad - losing Levi - but I know that he's with JESUS! How much more perfect can that be? Why should I wish for him to be with me when he can have what he has right now? I know I wouldn't want to come back here after tasting Glory!

I am to still take care of myself and stay within His plan for me...outside of God's Will, I may not be protected as when I'm in His Will. But I also know that if God calls me Home before my children are grown, that HE has the best in mind for them. Such peace when we think of our ALL-KNOWING God being in charge!

Levi Samuel is with Jesus! Thanking God that I survived!

January 26, 2010 at 9:00, I was rushed by ambulance after sudden, unexpected, heavy hemorrhaging in a matter of 5 minutes. I miscarried (and delivered at home) our precious 4 month old little boy. After going into shock at home in under 10 minutes, I was rushed to the hospital, where I continued to lose massive amounts of blood that led to a blood transfusion of 4 units of blood. After trying my "favorite" drugs for hemorrhaging to no avail, I ended up needing an emergency D&E. They said that if it had been another hour with the bleeding I was having I would have died. Honestly, I can believe that. I am no wimp, but I have never felt that close to death. I was (and still am) beyond exhausted from it all.

We named our little guy Levi Samuel which means, "united/ answer to prayer". He was PERFECTLY formed (the ER nurses and EMT's were amazed at how perfect he was). Our other children saw the ambulance and Mommy being wheeled out. They knew at that time that Levi was already in Heaven. After the hysteria subsided, Annalise (17) led all the children in praise songs, while Grandma listened in. They UNITED in PRAYER for Mommy's recovery and saw their prayers ANSWERED! God spared my life miraculously. I was so close to joining Levi in Glory. Thank God for doctors, surgery and the 4 people who donated the blood used in the transfusions! We are all grateful that I am here to raise my 8 children. We are grateful for UNITED PRAYER warriors (yes, even our own children)!

We were able to bury precious Levi On February 3rd (two days before my 33rd birthday, for which I am happy to have been able to celebrate). Photos HERE. It was a small service -with only grandparents and or pastor and his family. Such peace has been brought by being able to lay him to rest! Thank you, Jesus, for that, as well!

Again, thank you to all of you who prayed. We still covet your prayers for my recovery (I feel like I've been hit by a truck) and for our emotional healing. Through it ALL, we still praise Jesus and remember these verses, as we heal emotionally and try to figure out what happened and why (pray for doctors to run appropriate tests and to have wisdom!).

"I will fulfill my vows to You, O God, and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for Your help. For you have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in Your presence, O God, in Your life-giving light." Psalm 56:12-13

"And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world..." ~ 1 Corinthians 15:19

"Heaven is not here, it's There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for." —Elisabeth Elliot

A Baby's Secret - BEAUTIFUL Miscarriage or Stillbirth Poem!

A BABY'S SECRET

by Sandi Johnson


I'm just a little person who didn't make it there;

I went straight to be with Jesus,

but I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me, Mommy,

I'm of all God's lambs most blessed;

I'd have loved to stay there with you,

but the Shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live,

waited years to ent...er in;

Struggled through a world of sorrow,

and their lives were marred with sin.

So, sweet Mommy, don't you sorrow ~

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom ~

I went straight to Jesus' bosom

from my mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me ~

It was brief, but don't complain...

I have all of heaven's glory...

suffered none of earthling's pain.